just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
