Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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