I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
