Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
