you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
