but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
