The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
only you would photoshop your dick
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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