Your face is a jimmy john
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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