My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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