friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
