I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
