He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Bring me that man meat
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
