remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
