I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
