college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
