70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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