i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
