all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
