It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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