just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
