she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
