May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
