My liver just broke up with me...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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