oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
