I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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