i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i've created a new STD.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
