If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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