Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
