the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
