how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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