My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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