i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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