You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
