You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
