True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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