I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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