dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
