i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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