i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
