You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
