seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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