You're completely useless in the revolution.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
