i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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