Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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