sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
