It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
