It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
