i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
