We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
