I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
