It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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