there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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