I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
